Signs seen

Dry cleaners in Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Arctic River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Fight Illiteracy:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Hotel room notice in Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure in Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
IS FORBITTEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT PERSON TO DO SUCH THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS.

In another Japanese hotel room:
PLEASE TO BATHE INSIDE THE TUB.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

In a Leipzig elevator:
DO NOT ENTER THE LIFT BACKWARDS, AND ONLY WHEN LIT UP.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN SHOULD ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR. DRIVING IS THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

In a hotel in Athens:
VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND 11 A.M. DAILY.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In a Japanese hotel:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
LADIES MAY HAVE A FIT UPSTAIRS.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

From the Soviet Weekly:
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

In a Vienna hotel:
In CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THAT PURPOSE.

In a Zurich hotel:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A LOT OF WATER HAS BEEN PASSED UNDER THE BRIDGE SINCE THIS VARIATION HAS BEEN PLAYED.

In a Rome laundry:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS - WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
TO STOP THE DRIP, TURN COCK TO RIGHT.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
STOP: DRIVE SIDEWAYS.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE CREAM.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

In the office of a Romanian doctor:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

In an Acapulco hotel:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Tokyo shop:
OUR NYLONS COST MORE THAN COMMON, BUT YOU'LL FIND THEY ARE BEST IN THE LONG RUN.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
ENGLISH WELL TALKING. HERE SPEECHING AMERICAN.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
DRESSES FOR STREET WALKING.

One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTER.

Sports Commentary

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: “They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.”

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.”

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: “Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now.”

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: “She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night.”

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: “Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees.'

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: “Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg.”

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: “With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off.”

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: “There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.”

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: “What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?”

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballestero felt much better today after a 69.”

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away...”My word,” he said. “Look at that magnificent erection.”

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: “They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions.”

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: You'd eat beaver if you could get it.”

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playin so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!”

Metro Radio - “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.”

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - “Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.”

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - “This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.”

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.”

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”

poh poh pom pee pee

STEADY POM PEE PEE
An extension of "steady", this is an adjective describing someone's prowess or sang froid, i.e. ability to remain cool under pressure.
"Wah! Matthew's MCQ is steady pom pee pee one, leh! He no need to study also can get full marks."
See also: Steady

STEADY
Used either as a compliment or as an exhortation to calm down. Super Bengs may pronounce it "stay-lee".
1. “You managed to pok Ah Lian? You damn steady lah!”
2. “So you became a prefect? Steady, da!”
3. “Fail ‘O’ Level, scared what? Steady!”

Da Paolo

Day started out with me meeting Joycie-poo at the 7-eleven opposite my place. We then drove to church to make it on time for the 4th service. We parked at Suntec instead of Millenia as I am apt to do at Joyce's request. Service started close to 5 when it is scheduled to begin at 4:15.Poh and Lyn were also not far off ahead of us. When we got into the auditorium (yes! we did not go straight up to the overflow room as we usually do), we managed to secure seats just behind the main camera. As the service began we realised why the service had been held up.There seemed to be more announcements than usual.Choir recruitment drive, the upcoming Israel trip, the new DVD that just came out...There was also communion as is the usual practice these days. There was also a performance by Adeline singing the beautiful song O'Jerusalem. Pastor Prince was his usual self, meaning his message today exceeded an hour. He tends to let it all hang out at the last service since there are no time constraints. Not that that ever stopped him before.

After service, we walked about Suntec abit. Dropped by Carrefour to look for some bumper guards for Joycie's March. Got back to the car..eventually. Anyone who has been to the Suntec City carpark would know how hard it can be to find your vehicle sometimes. We went down by a different elevator from which we used to get up. Hence we ended up kinda disorientated so we ended up pressing the door opening device and following the sound of the 'beeps'.

Dinner was at Da Paolo at Jalan Merah Saga. Joyce was giving a treat after getting her pay. I wanted something italian so she recommended the place. The calamari was rather lacklustre.However the main dishes we had ordered were alright. In total the bill came up to about $60 (inclusive of GST, service charge and cover charge[?]).The place was nice but kinda too snooty to hang out in.Perhaps next time we will dine at the alfresco/smoking area. A lot less stuffy outside. But as in all of Holland V area, a good place to people watch.

HOME.

"I Have A Dream"

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

by Martin Luther King, Jr.
Delivered on the steps at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. on August 28, 1963.

You may read the entire speech by clicking on the title.

Its been a year since this blog was set up. So it is about time that I revamp the site by perhaps changing the colour scheme, adding some new pictures, new links, regular features and format. Nothing radical, just keep what works and discard what doesn't. It will be a work in progress. Not gonna do it all at once.

Anyone with any ideas or suggestions?

A year in the life

30th September 2003

It was just over a year ago that I started this blog. And 300 odd blogs later here I am again. Looking back it seems that not much has changed. I remember one of my very first blog being about me and Ai Khim. We were at odds at the time and I was about to go for my in-camp training. A year later,we are still at odds.Our relationship has improved but it will never be as it was before our falling out.

The following is my first blog.A mission statement if you please.Reproduced in full. Here goes;

This is my first posting on my blog page. My reason for having this page is so that I can articulate my thoughts about the world around me. It seems like I have a lot of things on my mind and no real way in which to express them. Of course I have lots of good friends and a supportive family, but at times it feels like the only person I can trust is God. People are fallible.People make mistakes.People disappoint you from time to time. I will try to keep this blog as secular-like as possible for a wider readership but I must admit that it is easier said than done because Jesus is the reason for everything that I am and everything that I hope to be. So please pardon me if at times I tend to get a bit preachy or if my views seem politically incorrect. I tend be be rather blunt at times. In my blog I may say things about certain individuals.But those are merely my personal views on the matter at hand. I do not wish to offend anyone by anything I have said here. I also welcome feedback ,rebuttals and yadda yadda.So do feel free to drop me a line.

I know it may seem that my blog is gonna be one of those serious ones with dark undertones based on everything I have said above but rest assured the journey through the mind of Leon has not yet begun. It is gonna be a wild and sometimes crazy journey. I have no idea what I will say next . So lets go....

Within that year I and Joyce had broken off our engagement and subsequently our wedding as well. *sob* My elder bro (or rather his lovely and persevering wife) had a kid.Named him Alden. Also Camou the wascally WaWa was born. Had a great year with my beloved sis Lyn. Spent lotsa quality moments together. The year was also significant for the number of dates I went on. I was on the rebound after getting 'dumped' by Joyce. I went all out to get to know as many gals as I could in the ensuing months. Made many new friends like Rachelle, Neeven, Lisa, Carolyn and Vanessa. For every success story, there was a Nicki and a Jackie horror story.
Of course what story would be complete without a happy ending. Round about early August me and Joyce got back together and all was right in the world again.

Of course now several paths lay before me.

At work the challenge is to remain motivated and dynamic in my work inspite of my supervisor. There of course remain the issues with Poh. But I think right now 'we' have come to a conclusion acceptable to all parties.

My relationship with Joyce. She and I still hold the same views and opinions to life we did before. The tricky part is reaching a mutual compromise and accepting one anothers views. It will be tough and there are no gurantees that it will be smooth sailing all the way, but we were meant to be. Yin and Yang. Fire and Ice. Or something to that effect.

To all you poor things that have had to read my rantings and my musings over the past year,God bless! May you prosper and be in health even as your soul prospers.

Amen.

And then there was nine...

Beverly got voted out of Singapore Idol. Jessea too!! *sob sob*. And Candice...oh...I can't go on...
What I dun get is how come 2 contestants were eliminated this week. I always thought it was one eliminated each week. We started with 12 but now we have only 9.Curioser and curioser..



Big match of the week: Chelsea vs Liverpool. Gonna be make or break time for the Reds against the Blues.

Went down to Plaza by the Park today. Was to get the refund for my course. Informatics has been giving me the go around as usual. All the red tape and rules. Need to go dig out my registration form and receipts and then maybe, perhaps, probably, I just might get my refund.

Have some ideas how I can revamp my room. hee hee hee...

The fishies in me tankie seemie to be dyingie. Cause of death: old age?

Anyone has any idea what is there to do in Singapore? Besides the eating and the shopping.It looks like whenever I wanna have some fun I have to leave the country. Bleh!!

piss on me, I piss on you

Got kinda pissed with Anna today.

Seems she has some of her so-called work issues. She said some crap about how we 'import guys' have such easy jobs.Later on she crapped on how it was an 'all girls' day at work in the office.The implication being I did not play an active part in the office today.

The issue is that she has no clue about what we do everyday. In that little head of hers the work we do is measured by the number of CITES permits issued. What a load of bull. That is like only 10% of our work.Matter of fact I think we spend too much time at our computer terminals as it is. We should be out at our desks doing our admin stuff more than we do now. It is also worthy of mention how NONE of the other so-called office staff ever assist us in the course of our work, yet we are more than willing to lend a hand to them when necessary. When was the last time one of them approved a permit, issued a certificate or answered a query regarding import matters? We never commented on their inadequacies..

Of course if Anna was a model staff maybe her comments would carry some weight. Rarely a day goes by when she does not screw something up and Ko Koh has to go clear the mess up. And all she does is complain and complain about her job. Like she is the only person that actually does any work around here. Like they say,'If you can't take the heat,get out of the kitchen.'

Oh..CRAP...

random musings

Candice Foo pulled out from Singapore Idol citing she was not ready for showbusiness etc. Sad to see her go.*sob* I was rooting for her. I did think she had the looks and talent to go far.But I guess she knows whats to do in her best interest.*sigh*



I do like Maia though. The little dynamo has spunk and attitude. Think she is my favourite from now on. Maybe I will jinx her too. :P
Also deserving of special mention are Daphne and Leandra.


Oh my...Jessea Thyidor is one hot mama.*pant pant*

Wassup Britney. Once upon a time Britney was the Princess of Pop.Now she is like a media whore.Think she lost the plot somewhere along the line.
On the other hand Christina has come good all of a sudden.She is the face of MTV's Choose or Lose special and "Sex, Votes, and Higher Power".In it she addresses issues of teen sex, abortion, abstinence, domestic violence — and urges kids to get out there and vote! The winds are a changin'..

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. Watched it with the office gang. A must-see. Ben Stiller is hilarious.Not laughed so much since...since...since...moving on..
There is even talk of starting an office dodgeball team...*groan*

Don't Man U look great now.Rio Ferdinand,Wayne Rooney and Ruud Van Nistlerooy are back.Man U are back to winning ways. I miss the days when we could hand their asses to them.*sigh* those were the days...

Ten is looking for a Dachshund.

They are highly adaptable to living with humans.

For some reason they seem to like Christmas very much...


Doxies are known to be quite romantic.

Though they may come across as quite wooden at times...


From a young age they show themselves to be rather 'handy' to have around.

So if anyone has any 'lobang' for one of them doxies do let me know.
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On the subject of Dachshund's, here are a couple of jokes:

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his German Shepard. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his Collie could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his Chocolate Lab could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his Dachshund and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, had his way with the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

................................

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign on the door that read "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" Inside he noticed a harmless old Dachshund asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," the manager replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused.

"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he said. "Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the manager replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
............................

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his Dachshund, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his Dachshund down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his Dachshund, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the Dachshund's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the Dachshund's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your Dachshund is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his Dachshund is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your Dachshund is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650.

"$650 to tell me my Dachshund is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the Cat scan and Lab tests."
.........................................................................

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies into the jungle, and before long he was lost.

Wandering about, he saw a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. "I'm in deep trouble now!" the dachshund thought. Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here? "Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, terrified, and slunk away into the jungle. "Whew," said the leopard., "That was close. That dachshund nearly got me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it to the leopard for protection. So off he went after the leopard with great speed. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and watch what happens to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them. And when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund said, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
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How Dachshunds and Men are the same:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dachshunds are better than Men:

1. Doxies do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Doxies miss you when you're gone.
3. Doxies feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Doxies admit when they're jealous.
5. Doxies are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Doxies do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a Doxie.
8. Doxies are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from Doxies is fleas.
10. Doxies understand what "no" means.
11. Doxies mean it when they kiss you.

How Dachshunds are better than Women:

1. A Doxie does not shop.
2. The later you are, the happier a Doxie is to see you.
3. A Doxie never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
4. A Doxie does not get mad at you if you pet another Doxie.
5. A Doxie does not care about the previous Doxies in your life.
6. A Doxie will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
7. A Doxie never expects you to telephone.
8. A Doxie limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
9. A Doxie loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
10. A Doxie's parents will never visit you.

Life lessons learned from a Dachshund:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility
(as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.


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