Suggestions for Christmas Prezzies

Hello, culture vultures!

No doubt you're now agonizing over your Christmas shopping.

Well, I have a marvelous suggestion for you.

Why not give some art to your loved ones this Christmas?

I know what you're thinking: isn't art terribly expensive?

Well, duckies, I'm not suggesting you go out and buy anything.

To purchase an artistic piece would render it a mere commodity.

Rather, I'm suggesting that you create your own artwork!

Again, you must be thinking: but I'm not an artist!

Wrong again! We all have some art inside of us... it's just a matter of letting it out.

And almost anything can constitute art.

The real trick is to cook up a 'cheem' sounding explanation for it. For 'tis the 'cheem'-ness of the justification that makes it art.

It's what distinguishes the work of Jackson Pollock from someone who's just dripping random bits of paint onto paper.

So here are some ideas:

1. Take an old fish. Wrap it tightly in past editions of the Straits Times. Put a nice label on it which says, "Stale News". Ta-dah! Art.

2. Find some old cloth scraps and sew yourself a tiny straightjacket. Place the straightjacket round a bottle of Bovril. Place a label on it which says, "Mad Cow Disease". See? More art!

3. Locate an old garbage can. Paint a nasty, bloodthirsty face on it. Call it "Killer Litter". Get it?

4. Take an empty glass bottle. Make a red marking somewhere near the middle of the bottle. Above the mark, write "Pass". Below the mark, write "Fail". Then call it "Air-Level". Aren't I a genius?

5. Fill a plastic cup with your own urine. Splash it on your neighbour's door. When he prosecutes you with his security camera footage, tell him it's piece of performance art which you call "Pissing Off Your Neighbour". Wish him a very merry Christmas.

See? It's all really easy, and cheap too.

The best part of doing this is that next year you'll spend even less on Christmas presents.

This is because you'll have no more friends left.

But hey, you can't have everything.