the chair at my table

GRRRR....(ok now that that is done with...on to to the more pertinent issues...)

I am feeling down right now. Even more so than I was at this time last year. Last year me and Joyce had just broken up but were still friends and hung out together and even had a holiday together. *sigh* At least when we last broke up, it was for seemingly legitimate reasons and we were both mindful of how what we said and did because we still cared deeply about one another though we felt we could no longer carry on together.

But this time JOYCE cited that it did not feel the same anymore,it had all seemed quite aimless and pointless, that the spark had gone out of our relationship and that I was not quite able to meet up to what she expected of a husband. How is that for an ego-booster?

It was always about her and still seems to be all about her. When I look at the reasons listed above I am reminded of how many times in our years together I coulda just kicked her ass to the kerb but did not. Joyce is not exactly the most loving and passionate girl around. At many times in our relationship I felt unfulfilled and unappreciated. But did I bail out? No. I persevered to make it work even when it seemed almost foolish to do so. I had many people question the wisdom of trying to squeeze water out of a stone. But the fact remains that at least I tried. Not that Joyce showed no effort at all, just that I feel that she was unable to make the changes and sacrifices to make things work.

It was all about her needs that needed to be met and her aspirations. What about me? All she seemed to care about was her accumulation of wealth. She felt that by spending less time with me and more of her time working (2 or 3 or 4 jobs at a time)that she was doing something productive. It is any wonder that I did not dump her or have torrid love affairs behind her back with all her absentia and lack of affection.

It is not that I am some jobless bum living off her earnings. I have a good job and pay my own way (and hers most times).I live responsibly and have no real vice. I put the needs of others before myself all the time as anyone close to me can attest. Maybe that is my failing in retrospect. ..

If only I was more self serving and learnt to take advantage of others kindheartedness for my own gain maybe then Joyce would find me more suited for her agenda in life. But that is so not me and never will be. I love others more than myself even if it results in my own peril.

Joyce herself admits that she will never find anyone who will fulfill her in all the ways she needs. I am not one to say ever say never but I believe that God has someone best suited for all of us. Maybe I gave Joyce some perspective in life and a bit of humanity in her endeavours at worst. Kept her grounded from being carried away with her obsession with material wealth.

In a way I feel so cheated in our relationship. It does not seem fair that I should be alone when I have given so much in return for so little. But I trust in God above that something better is in store for me out there. Not that I would change much about myself. I am my own worst critic and I think I did the best I could under such circumstances.

As for the title of this blog it refers to the empty seat at my table come christmas day. Normally that is a place reserved for Joyce but until a few days ago I was sure it would be again. But this week has shown me once again how cold and heartless Joyce can be. She hardly bothered to maintain contact and when we did meet up yesterday for a brief moment it was kind of tense because of her insecurities and lack of graciousness.

My conscience is clear about what I have said and done. It may come across as being self-righteous to some. I have my own flaws and weaknesses, as we all do. I admit I was not an angel when we were together but I was never the devil either.

This is my blog and that is my opinion.