an epiphany

Acceptance....

Love......

Trust.....

Respect.....

I guess I look for these in all my relationships be it with friends,family or colleagues. Very often I find myself feeling void and disappointed when people react to me in a negative way. I feel down when people do not accept me as a person.I thrive on trust and respect.When there is none to be found I feel short-changed and outraged even. I picture myself as being likeable and easy to get along with, if a little introverted.

Every once in a while I find myself in conflict with someone it really tears me apart. Case in point is Poh, our relationship or the lack thereof. I just cannot accept the fact that he and I just cannot get along. It got only worse when the Lyn issue came along and he got upset or angry in turn everytime we went out together. Or maybe the dynamic of the relationship between Khim and I over the last year or so. I felt so betrayed when she did things that were not in my best interests or so it seemed. I hated being taken for granted and having my pride taken away.Being treated like a second class citizen in my own home.
Joyce being upset with me after recent non-events were in my view even more traumatising than the actually break-up we had months ago. I felt comfort in the fact that although we were no longer an item, that we would always be friends no matter what happened. When Joyce stopped taking my calls and replying my SMSes I was devastated! She did not even give me a chance to explain or even give me the reasons why she was doing this.

I guess I am extremely sensitive to how people perceive me. I cannot comprehend in my finite wisdom why anyone would dislike me or hold a grudge against me.I do not see why I had to always be handed the short end of the stick just because the other party failed to recognise any value in my person. I never quite came to terms with how a person could just discard a relationship that I had so treasured so much like a bad habit.

I should somehow realise that I am not a perfect person and despite what I think myself to be that I am not everyone's piece of cake. There will always be people who will conspire against me. Circumstances will not always be in my favour.There will even be people who hate me! I cannot be all things to all people. There is little gain in falling into depression and feeling rotten that people do not appreciate me. I cannot fully expect people to fit into my world of ideals and love me inspite of myself.

The only thing I can do is to love myself, love those that love me and love those that hate me even more than either!