To my dad...

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

I love my dad but for some reason in recent years we have grown apart somewhat.I guess he is getting on in years and his minor stroke a couple of years back kind of left him a shell of his former self. It is not that he is bedridden or anything. Just that his mental faculty's are not what they used to be. He is like those old men you see in the movies or TV that loves telling yarns of when he was a kid. The stories are interesting the first few hundred times but after that it kind of gets old.

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

I love my dad for who he is. For while we were going up he was the sole bread-winner. He worked in all sorts of jobs. He was in the Royal Armed Forces and Police dog unit. He also spent sometime in a shipyard.What doing? I do not exactly try to remember. I also remember fondly the years when he was in the zoo in its formative years. Many a weekend was spent there. I got my love of animals and nature from my dad. And his working in the zoo and his way with dogs especially rubbed off on me.
Weekdays were spent sitting in the zoo minibus as dad shuttled around in his work to the various shops and factories acquiring stuff for the zoo when he came to pick us up from home. Such a family man he was.

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

He also had stints working as a cook at the Hollanse Club, a security guard at various places(including the Night Safari) and at Singapore Casket (as a pall bearer/embalmer). I still remember running around the darkened halls of Singapore Casket in the dead of night(pun quite intended). Quite creepy the embalming room is with the sight and sounds , blood and all these bottles of chemicals. *brrr*

On the flipside was when my dad was retrenched when I was in P6 from the zoo during the economic downturn. We were at a loss at what to do. Me and Noel were still too young to do anything to help.Mum never worked and had no intention to anyway. Leo was and always will be a self-serving asshole. It was during that dark period that I also found out who my true friends were and who were the ones who were only there to enjoy my generosity when times were good.

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I take after my dad in many ways. My 2 brothers take after my mum.We both have the same calm demeanour.That is not to say we suffer fools easily. We both have the prospensity to explode in frustration when people get on our nerves.It does not happen often but whe it does no one is safe. We also have the same philosophy to work. We tend to value loyalty and trust. We both believe in sticking to our guns and fighting for our staff's welfare. We tend to disdain office politics and cliques and distance ourselves from it much to our own detriment. My dad is also easy-going and flexible when it comes to most matters. A usual reply to most questions would be "anything", "whatever" or "up to you".And people wonder where I get it from.

We fight all the time
You and I... that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need... I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

My dad is now retired. He quite fancies himself the handyman around the house. He cooks well. He helps with the washing, cleaning,ironing,gardening...well..a whole lot. My mum is a lucky lady to have him although she does not say it often enough. Mum and dad are still lovey-dovey even after all these years. It is something I aspire too in my relationships. I believe the spark should never be allowed to die between a husband and a wife. You are never too old to love and be loved. No one ever outlives their usefulness until they quit trying. My dad still buys flowers and greets my mum with a morning kiss. I guess I inherited that 'handyman' trait from my dad. I love doing things with my hands. I wanted to go to ITE before just to learn some skills and get a certificate. An option to consider still now.

to all the ladies reading this: I AM GOOD WITH MY HANDS!! Hahahaa..

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

Many weekends were spent also at the beach and at the airports. That is where my wanderlust comes from. Some people are just plain amazed at the places I go to and the things I do. I developed this desire to seek out far flung ,obscure places in Singapore. Now that I drive I do it even more now. Back in the day, we used to visit all the various parks and attractions.That is where my 'intimate' knowledge of parks and reservoirs stems from.(just for the ones who think it came from my late night rendezvous with an assortment of floozies)

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

Of course not everything I learnt from dad was good. We both have that stubborn streak at times. Hard-headed is how my mum puts it. I guess we protect what is ours and rise up against 'oppression'. We also have the same tendency(or lack thereof) to back down in tense times. Do not ask me how someone can be stubborn and forthright yet be a pussy cat at the same time. You can say we choose our battles and our spots. Anyone who has had conversation with me would be aware of my short one-word answers and mumbled , slow drawl type replies. Do not blame me! I got it from my dad! He is the one. Like father, like son. Anyway that's my story and I am sticking to it!

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can you hear me when I Sing,
you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me

Anyway. the reason for this blog is that that me and my dad have some issues. He just gets on my nerves at times.I know he cares and all for me. But sometimes it gets a little suffocating. I am no longer a kid yet at times I feel like he treats me like one.I am after all his favourite son and I think he feels bad about how Noel and leo got more attention and is trying to make up for it now. I know I should be grateful to be such blessed, but it is not just what he says or does but how it makes me feel that is the real problem. I just hold so many fond memories of my dad. But when I look at him now I do feel a bit of resentment and abit of frustration of who he is now compared to the dad I used to know. It is unfair I know. But I just loved and looked up to him so much growing up that it pains me now to see him in this state. I do not stand alone in this view. My siblings,Mum,Paula and Lynn have also voiced similar frustrations. But I think it is cruel of them to say such things. Why not me?

Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone

I will strive to be more patient. More understanding. More tolerant. To look at my dad through new eyes. He has changed and so have I. Time did not stand still for either of us. I have to be the man of the house. Leo is there but virtually non-existent as a leader of a home except in his own warped mind. Noel is a good fillial son but he has enough on his plate for a lifetime right now. I have to be the one to make sense of this family. But I do not know quite how...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own