Trouble in Paradise (the day I wish had never happened)

On saturday, Agnes and I were planning to spend the whole day together. Just the two of us just spending quality time together. I was really looking forward to it. We had planned all sorts of things we could do TOGETHER.

But alas with all the best laid plans, Agnes mum and dad wanted to attend a church friends relatives funeral wake at Redhill. So Agnes readily agreed thinking I would have no qualms about sending them there. Ordinarily that would be the case, but we had planned to do other stuff and suddenly a spanner was thrown into the works. I was kinda downcast after that. You can say my whole day was ruined after that. So the whole day I literally wore this long face and was generally a pain.

Agnes was disappointed with my attitude. She expected me to be more enthusiastic and willing to help her parents. She really loves her family especially her mum. That is one of her finer points. On the other hand, in my own family setting things are rather different.

In western culture, once the kids are old enough they literally leave the coop and move out of the family home and set up their own homes elsewhere. They may even move to a different state, country or continent! In eastern culture fillial piety is considered a virtue. Asians will as much as possible live together under the same roof or if that is not entirely feasible live as near as possible. Even government pro-family policies seek to keep the family unit intact.

My own parents are fairly independent and do not expect any of their sons to wait on them hand and foot. Agnes wants her boyfriend 'to help and respect her parents'. In that it means to be proactive and be willing to lend them a hand whenever possible. In that respect maybe I lag behind others. My approach when dealing with those around me is to help when requested unless it is obvious that the other party is obviously too shy to ask for my assistance or is not in a position to do so himself.

On hindsight I know what I did was not right and that Agnes's disappointment is not without cause. It is still a work in progress as far as I go when it comes to being a model son-in-law-to-be. I have lots to learn in how to demonstrate my willingness to help and respect my future in-laws.

I do not really know how much of this is Agnes and how much of it is the expectations of her parents. But I fully understand why she wants it in that way. I would like my girlfriend to respect and love my parents as much as I do too. But the reality is we have not really bonded (Agnes parents and I). I do talk a bit with her dad as and when possible. But her mum, ahhh...that is crux of the problem. Agnes loves her to death. But me on the other hand have GREAT difficulties communicating with her beyond the usual pleasantries and common phrases. So this gulf between us is not easy to bridge. It is hard for me to find the same sort of love and admiration for someone whom I can hardly talk to. I admit she is a wonderful, caring and considerate human being. The way she brought up 2 wonderful kids is a testament to the kind of woman she is. Maybe in time she and I will develop into something more than what we are right now.

Just the other day me and Agnes were doing this thing where the scenario is two random people are drowning. And the other party has to say which of the 2 he/she would save and leave the other to drown. As it turned out if it was Agnes and anyone(including my mum,dad and brothers), I would invariably save Agnes. Agnes's answers were kinda different from mine in that she would save her family before it would come down to me *sob*. Therein lies the fundamental difference between Agnes and me here. To me she is the centre of my universe and all I say and do is for her. I would give anything and everything for her. Agnes on the other hand finds her strength and place in her family above all else. So faily is above all else. Maybe my family situation is different in that my siblings and parents are self-sufficient so we can afford to live fairly independent lives from one another. There is no obligations to eat dinner together or do things together. We all do what and when we please. Nothing lacking, nothing lost. The situation in Agnes household is rather different from mine. Enough said.

I guess as the months turn into years we will learn to cherish the differences between us and find the elusive middle ground where we both can flourish.

Back to Saturday. My disappointment stemmed as to how our plans for the day were 'cruelly' taken away from me. Agnes assumed I would be fine with attending the funeral wake with her folks which was not far from the truth. If the truth be known I hardly ever attend wakes and funerals except for people I am really close to. In fact I have not visited my grandparents burial site in over a decade, if I venture to guess. That is just something that is not a part of me. Not that I did not try but it just never comes to pass. It was just that it seemed like I was easily brushed aside for her parents sake that day, whether that was the truth or not. I guess I am selfish in that way, expecting Agnes to drop everything and everyone else when she is with me.

Ever since saturday I have been feeling all rotten and empty inside because of what transpired. It exposed so many things about the 2 of us that would not necessarily have come to light under normal circumstances. But I think I have learnt valuable lessons from this setback. I now realise more profoundly how Agnes thinks and her priorities. It is one thing to hear her say it in words, but quite another to see it in action.

All I can say now to Agnes is SORRY for being such a jerk that day and I will do better next time. I will not be all the things you want me to be, but I will surely try...