Gender Wars:Can women win? part 2

Do men like to ignore women?A "space-time gap" exists between men and women. Even though we may appear to be in the same room, we're actually in two separate time zones. Men are almost always in the future, fretting over some long-term issue -- their job, financial security, the never-ending quest for immortality -- while women are much more present-focused. Men might think they're effective time-travelers -- able to be in both the present and future at the same time -- but we often get snagged. Men could learn a lot from women about how to get in the present and appreciate the here and now.

Are women nags?Again, the time-traveling, future-focused guy hates to be pulled back into the present: especially if it's to mow the lawn or take out the garbage. But without some good old-fashioned nagging to keep us connected, we'd be totally adrift.
Is the myth that married people have less sex true?In general, both married people and single people have sex far less often than those lucky people who are newly involved and find themselves in the "falling-in-love" stage of a relationship. When we're falling in love, the brain produces dopamine and norepinephrine — sex chemicals that give us those feelings of euphoria and exhilaration and obsession that compel us to jump into the sack with each other. Once we move out of the "falling-in-love" stage, these chemicals get produced in much smaller quantities, which is one of the main reasons people have affairs: not to have sex, but to experience the excitement and euphoria of falling in love again. Compulsive cheaters are often literally addicted to the chemical rush. The good thing is that these same chemicals are also produced when we're excited and scared and do new things together. The psychologist Elaine Hatfield said "adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder," and while we may not be inclined to go bungee jumping or skydiving together, the trick to keeping a relationship sexy (and sexual) is to do new, exciting things together. Numerous studies have shown that married people are far more likely to have happier sex lives than single people, but they're also just as likely to get into sex ruts. The difference is communication, imagination and commitment to growth as a couple.

Do women ask, "Why don't we talk?" too much?Most guys would answer yes, but if they knew there was a direct relationship between communication and good sex they'd turn into regular motor mouths. Numerous studies have shown that women consider talk to be the most important part of foreplay and couples with the best communication also have the best, most contented sex lives. Talking more is the easiest thing a guy can do to improve his relationship and sex life. Talk is cheap: especially compared to the costs of diamonds, fancy clothes, expensive meals and all the things that can't compare to some good conversation. 
Do women cry too much? Are women too sappy about romance?As clichéd as it may sound, men don't cry nearly enough. It's not that women cry too much, but women often cry without explaining effectively what's behind the tears. Women often break into tears to disarm a guy, and no guy likes to make a woman cry, but it can also be really frustrating if it's in lieu of talking reasonably. Many women resort to crying, rather than talking, and that's a poor communication strategy. Women have a right to be sappy about romance, because romance is something that most guys fundamentally don't understand.

Who initiates the romance more? Men or women?Men usually initiate sex because desire and arousal are so closely interlinked in men, but it's definitely up to women to teach men the importance of romance. Romance is really a foreign concept to most guys. They know it's important, but they don't really get it; because frankly it's not important to them.

Are men clueless about sex and love? Out of touch with their feelings?Let's differentiate between sex and love, which is something that men can do much more easily than women. If men are clueless about sex, it's because they get so many of their ideas about how to satisfy women from porn and porn just projects and reinforces a male fantasy of female sexuality, rather than a true version of what women desire. That's why I always tell men to make a mantra of Rhett Butler's infamous words to Scarlett O'Hara, "You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how."

Men aren't clueless about love. It's just that for men, sex and love are not one and the same.As discussed earlier, women often need to love a man in order to experience genuine desire and move through the process of arousal. That's not to say that women don't have hearty libidos or experience lust. They're just less likely to act on those desires if they don't have genuine feelings for a guy. Many times a woman will confuse a guy's lustful desires with genuine feelings of emotional attachment and many men are all too happy to engender that confusion. Men have no problem separating lust from love. Men aren't out of touch with their feelings; they're out of touch with what women are feeling.

Are women too needy?Not at all. Most of the women I counsel have resigned themselves to placing a man's needs above their own and accepting the situation: especially in the bedroom. In fact, many women come in with the attitude, "something's wrong with me," when in fact there's nothing wrong with them. They just aren't expressing their true needs or having those needs met. Women are definitely not too needy, but they need to express their needs to men in ways that make sense: getting angry at him because he doesn't like to snuggle, or holding a grudge, isn't a positive way of expressing a desire for more intimacy and affection. Unfortunately, neither men nor women are trained to express their desires and concerns in the form of positive reinforcement. So communication often leads to anger, resentment and a communication breakdown.